Visions of my guru

Comment now » // August 3rd, 2009

I was at a restaurant with some friends the other day when I looked across the floor and spotted my ex-guru. She was being led by the restaurant’s hostess to her table, which was about 20 feet from where I was sitting.

All sound in the room ceased. My stomach did a roller-coaster dipsy-doodle before it plunged past my knees and down to my feet. I felt a rush of adrenaline through my arms and hands that made them feel like they were buzzing. My mouth went dry and I could feel my heart rev up to rates higher than those it reaches when I’m doing aerobic exercise.

“What do I do now?” I thought. “Do I go over there and say hello or do I sit here and hope she doesn’t see me? And what is she doing in Vancouver anyway – she doesn’t live here any longer.”

I knew that if our eyes met and we saw each other and I subsequently stood before her and said hello I’d be quaking in my (very cute summer) sandals. I hadn’t seen her or spoken to her in more than a decade but it was painfully and immediately obvious that I was still terrified of her. Terrified of that cutting, shaming voice and the derogatory comments I was sure she’d make about my clothes or my hair or my weight or my friends.

“Man,” I thought, “I’ve come so far in my cult recovery only to be reduced to a blithering idiot by this woman I left behind so long ago. Obviously I have more healing work to do about her.”

All that I’ve described happened in less than one or two seconds. In less time that it took me to realized I was holding my breath and to tell myself to breathe again.

And then I realized it wasn’t her.

Whoever it was that was walking across the restaurant wasn’t my ex-guru. Same colour hair, same hair style, same body shape, similar way of dressing and smarmy look on her face, but it wasn’t her.

Big exhale. I started to hear my friends at the table talking again and the ambient noise in the restaurant came back into my consciousness, like someone turning up the volume on a TV. Phew, I’m going to be ok.
***
This experience gave me some food for thought. Why am I still so afraid? She can’t hurt me. I don’t believe what she says any longer. I know that who I am does not belong to her anymore. She cannot affect my life in any way. My logical mind knows all this but some animalistic fight or flight response inside me does not.

I may have to have a conversation with that part of me and ask it what it needs to feel safe.