Rebuilding our authentic selves

3 Comments » // October 17th, 2009

When you leave a cult the process of rebuilding or creating your self – the way you define who you are and what you believe in, the things about yourself that you know to be true – is a slow, sometimes agonizing, piece-by-piece process. It doesn’t happen overnight.

If you know someone who’s been in a cult, it’s important to remember this. When we leave a cult situation we don’t just suddenly snap back to ‘normal’. And, in fact, we have to find a new normal and a new self.

Rebuilding this self happens in increments. Slowly old beliefs loosen their hold and we make new discoveries about what we believe to be true about life and self and God. Leaving a cult often means we are void of many the beliefs and understanding that make us human. I remember walking for months through life not knowing what I believed to be true about almost anything.

The reason for this piecemeal recreation is that while living in a cult out of necessity we develop a “cult self”, to coin Steven Hassan. Our cult self is the identity that believes all the cult guru has taught us and who has integrated all the gurus teachings and absorbed the guru’s abuse. Our authentic self, says Hassan, never disappears while we are in a cult, it is simply drowned out by the presence of a cult self.

When we leave the cult, that cult self goes through a process of dying. And the authentic self has to figure out what it believes or thinks or understands to be true in any given situation. At least that was my experience.

It takes time. And each new situation brings up feelings and beliefs that need to be dealt with from the point of view of the regenerating authentic self. The cult survivor does not just jump fully formed into a new life. As survivors we need to learn to be patient with ourselves as this takes place. Or if you have a loved one who’s left a cult, please be patient with that person. They are working really hard to become themselves gain.

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Tagged Cult recovery, Families of cult victims, How Cults Work

3 Responses to “Rebuilding our authentic selves”

  1. Georgia Says:
    October 18th, 2009 at 4:50 am

    So true!! It took years for me to begin to feel safe and trusting of my own thoughts, beliefs, opinions etc. I can only thank God and my family and friends for their patience and support, and for giving me the strength, courage and direction to rebuild and rediscover who I am. It can be an agonizing process, but there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel when you feel yourself becoming whole again.

  2. Jen Says:
    November 7th, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Hi,

    I’m worried one of my friends has been sucked in by a group. I don’t know if its a cult or not, but she’s not behaving in the characteristic way she used to since she started attending emotional healing workshops and sanctuaries.I might be jumping the gun, but a little voice tells me that something is wrong and I’m not sure what to do about it. What advice can you give me?

  3. alexandra Says:
    November 7th, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Hi Jen,

    I’m very sorry to hear about your friend and, of course, I can appreciate your concerns. What I would recommend is this:
    1. Read a copy of Steve Hassan’s book Combatting Cult Mind Control. In it you will find great advice about dealing with someone who may be in a coercive situation. First and foremost he recommends not being critical to the affected person about the group – remain a curious and supportive friend.
    2. Second, if you can, measure the group your friend is in using either Steve Hassan’s BITE system (you can find more info about that on his web site: http://www.freedomofmind.com) or Dr. Robert Lifton’s 8 Criteria for Thought Reform.
    3. Go to Steve Hassan’s site and go the ‘Help for Someone Else’ page. There you will find a section called Evaluating Concerns – this will help to clarify the danger in your friend’s situation.

    These steps will get you started. Once you’ve done that you’ll be much more aware and educated about what kind of a situation you’re dealing with and can proceed from there.

    I wish you the very best and hope that your friend is safe. Feel free to email me at alexandra@cultalovestory.com if you have any other questions.

    Warmly,
    Alexandra

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