The word “No”

Comment now » // June 14th, 2010

Gavin de Becker is an occasional guest on the Oprah show, and I always appreciate hearing what he has to say. The last time he was on the program, though, something he said resonated with me so deeply that it still pops into my head almost every day.

de Becker is the author of the book The Gift of Fear. On his most recent visit to Ms. Winfrey’s program he unveiled a new assessment tool, call Mosaic, that assists victims of domestic abuse determine how much of a threat an abuser poses to an individual or family. By answering 46 questions those completing the assessment will receive a score on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most likely to escalate into violence. (FYI the Mosaic assessment is available online for FREE from de Becker and Associates. Click here to go to their Mosaic web page for more information.)

Domestic violence can parallel the abuse one encounters in a cult. (The excellent book Take Back Your Life by Janja Lalich and Madeline Tobias covers this topic extensively.) So whenever Mr. de Becker is on the Oprah show I always make sure to tune in. Here’s what he said recently that rocked my world:

“When you say ‘No’ to someone and they try to talk you out of your answer, that person is trying to control you.”

In a cult (or other abusive) situation there are so many complexities to deal with. Our logic, emotions and complex reactions to a difficult situation often do us a grave dis-service. We talk ourselves out of feeling uncomfortable with situations happening in the cult and we tell ourselves it must be our fault if we don’t understand, or worse, don’t like what’s happening.

But this simple statement that Gavin de Becker made, brought such clarity to me, that I smiled with chagrin at how I could have used this wisdom back in 1989 and 1990 when I was being swept into the arms of my cult leader.

“When you say ‘No’ to someone and they try to talk you out of your answer, that person is trying to control you.”

It’s that simple. I am entitled to own my “No” and if someone tries to talk me out of it they are trying to control me, plain and simple. I own my body and my brain and my reactions to things. If I say “no” I don’t need to justify it.

It’s that simple.

I can’t go back and fix the past but I can take this new bit of wisdom with me into the future.