Leave your authentic self at the door

Comment now » // May 21st, 2011

Mind control practiced by destructive cults is a social process, often involving large groups of people who reinforce it. It is achieved by immersing a person in a social environment where, in order to function, he must shed his old identity and adhere to the new identity desired by the group.”
From Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan p.54

Cult leaders aren’t really interested in you. They’re only interested in what you can do for them.

I remember vividly being in a therapy session during the process of deciding whether or not to leave the spiritual group I belonged to (I didn’t yet know it was a cult – more info on why that is can be found here) when the therapist mentioned that part of her job was to support me to be my most authentic self.

What?

I was 32 years old at the time and both the idea that I had an authentic self and that someone wanted me to be that person were totally baffling to me. I honestly didn’t have a clue what she was talking about.

But I felt my body respond positively to her intention. It felt good. I felt warm and safe all over. (Having spent the previous ten years in a cult, safety was something I was NOT used to feeling.)

To a cult leader, your authentic self is a threat. Your unique thoughts, feelings, beliefs, knowledge and plans will all interfere with a cult leader’s intention for you. What she needs instead is for you to learn to shut down your authentic self and keep it shut down to the point that even when she yells at you and abuses you and cuts you off from your family and controls your life, right down to the colour of socks you’re wearing, you won’t object. “Yes, Lady Guru, you’re right,” is all she wants to hear from you.

A cult leader needs your money, your time, your hard work and your obedience. That’s it. If your dreams, goals and thoughts get in the way at all (which they always do) then you must sacrifice them in the name of the cause.

“The cause”, whatever that may be (it’s different for every cult leader and yet they all have to have one) is more important than you, to the point that your unique, beautiful self doesn’t matter in the least. Robert Lifton calls this Dispensing of Existence.

This is partly why when you encounter someone who is in a cult, they don’t really seem to be present. They have a “reserved shell” around them, as someone described it to me recently. This is because the cult member is so busy shutting down their authentic selves, and suppressing their thoughts and feelings, and following the rules of the group, that they appear to be shells instead of human beings. They can’t allow themselves to just relax and be themselves.

I believe that what we all need most from one another is support to be our most authentic selves. What can you do today to offer someone you love support to be his or her most real expression? And what can you do yourself to express your most authentic self? If you are recovering from a cult experience it will be difficult at first to know who you are authentically, but baby steps are powerful. “I like the colour red.” “I don’t like cheese.” “I prefer wearing my hair long.” All these thoughts help us to be more connected to our precious, authentic selves.