de Becker is the author of the book The Gift of Fear. On his most recent visit to Ms. Winfrey’s program he unveiled a new assessment tool, call Mosaic, that assists victims of domestic abuse determine how much of a threat an abuser poses to an individual or family. By answering 46 questions those completing the assessment will receive a score on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most likely to escalate into violence. (FYI the Mosaic assessment is available online for FREE from de Becker and Associates. Click here to go to their Mosaic web page for more information.)

Domestic violence can parallel the abuse one encounters in a cult. (The excellent book Take Back Your Life by Janja Lalich and Madeline Tobias covers this topic extensively.) So whenever Mr. de Becker is on the Oprah show I always make sure to tune in. Here’s what he said recently that rocked my world:

“When you say ‘No’ to someone and they try to talk you out of your answer, that person is trying to control you.”

In a cult (or other abusive) situation there are so many complexities to deal with. Our logic, emotions and complex reactions to a difficult situation often do us a grave dis-service. We talk ourselves out of feeling uncomfortable with situations happening in the cult and we tell ourselves it must be our fault if we don’t understand, or worse, don’t like what’s happening.

But this simple statement that Gavin de Becker made, brought such clarity to me, that I smiled with chagrin at how I could have used this wisdom back in 1989 and 1990 when I was being swept into the arms of my cult leader.

“When you say ‘No’ to someone and they try to talk you out of your answer, that person is trying to control you.”

It’s that simple. I am entitled to own my “No” and if someone tries to talk me out of it they are trying to control me, plain and simple. I own my body and my brain and my reactions to things. If I say “no” I don’t need to justify it.

It’s that simple.

I can’t go back and fix the past but I can take this new bit of wisdom with me into the future.

On the right side of each page on this site you’ll now see a box that says, “Five Questions to Ask Before You Join a Personal Growth Group, Church or Spiritual Teacher.” These are questions I’ve put together that, had I asked them of myself back in 1989 I wouldn’t have joined the group, and I would have spared myself ten years of thought reform and grief.

I believe that when we are on any sort of spiritual or personal growth quest, often our hearts and minds are a little more open than they might be under other circumstances. Unfortunately, the industries of personal growth and spirituality are well aware of this and sometimes use this openness against us, luring us into unsafe and/or manipulative situations by preying on our desire for self-improvement or more meaning in life.

Does this mean that every church and seminar is a cult? Of course not. That’s where the questions I’ve put together come into play. If you can answer ‘no’ to all of them, then the group or church you’ve found is probably a safe place for growth and spirituality. But, the questions will encourage you to step back and be a bit detached and observe the group dispassionately to ensure that it is safe before you jump in.

You wouldn’t buy a new cell phone without doing some research. Take the same approach with your personal growth and spirituality. Be a savvy spiritual consumer.

What prompts me to write this post is that Oprah currently has long, flowing hair and her guest Chris Rock was shocked that it was all her own hair and not a weave.

I realized as I discussed this briefly with a friend, that it had not occurred to me to wonder if Oprah’s hair was artificial. It’s been long and flowing since the season started at the beginning of September and my Oprah-loving friend and I have commented on it several times, but it honestly never occurred to me to wonder if it was a wig or a weave.

This brought home to me how naturally unskeptical I am. This was one characteristic that allowed me to get swept up in a cult and I talk about this characteristic in my book and how it contributed to my manipulation by our cult leader. But you’d think that after a decade of being in a cult and then a decade of studying cults I’d have a little more skepticism built up inside myself.

This thing with Oprah’s hair has made me realize that that’s just not the case. I constantly have people pointing out to me instances where someone might not be telling the truth.

Because of this, one of the projects I’m working on lately is a list of questions we should ask ourselves before we get involved with any sort of spiritual group or personal growth training. I’ve realized that if I had had a list of questions to ask about the spiritual group I found when I was 22 I wouldn’t have joined what turned out to be a cult. I would have had my eyes opened and would have realized that the community was not safe and that the leader was coercive. Because I’m not naturally skeptical I definitely could have benefited from a list like the one I’m preparing for others now.

It makes me happy that I can now use my personal experience to hopefully prevent others from ending up in cults. This is another way I aim to use my negative experience and turn it into something positive.

Stay tuned for more about that.